The Art of F*****g Patience

Patience

Recently, I had a conversation with a trusted friend, where I had been trying to work out why I have so much time to move house and what the reason could be, amongst other things that have happened – as there is a reason for everything, although I will admit I do not have a clue what some of them are at times! As we chatted about my circumstance and how things are for me she suggested it could be a lesson in patience that I am being given…hmmm…

Now this got me thinking and, talking with her again, about how I felt I had learnt a lot of patience in my varied experiences…so, what could it possible be that I still need to learn about being patience? Clearly, the response shows an element of patience was required even in the concept of needing more, although sometimes, I just feel that the more I think I have learnt and perhaps even ‘arrived at’ at a clear point of understanding, the more I seem to have learnt nothing about it at all! Ever feel that way? You would be forgiven, at this point, for thinking this is the lesson and perhaps, as I write this and reflect on my own words, this concept is more important than I had first considered!

So, as we discussed how patient I believe myself to be regarding those closest to me (even though there have been some moments that were less than patient), it became more obvious, perhaps to her more, than I wanted to admit in that moment to myself, that I needed more patience with myself.

Really? I live with me so that must be due a round of applause at least anyway?

As it goes, perhaps there was at least one kernel of truth in this. I have been planning what I would like to do next regarding work and have some plans but felt that I had nowhere to go with this until I move house (ah….leads me to a different point about living in the moment)…which was not for a while to be honest…I did take the opportunity, mostly graciously, to enjoy the time I had been blessed, to enjoy reading books as well as looking at some small courses, to develop my beliefs and practices further. As well as, all of the usual ‘setting up’ of a new business so I felt ‘justified’ in how I had spent my time. This was interesting to note, as showed I felt I needed to be able to explain to someone else what I do in order to feel time has been well spent. Since when was I not allowed to spend time resting and doing exactly what I wanted?

I also realised that some of our discussion (myself and trusted friend) directly related to the time I had spent reading and reviewing my life to date, which was clearly not wasted at all and in fact, was extremely relevant – even though it was not spent ‘doing’ things I had felt I should be doing!

One of the  learning points I seem to have recognised, at least in part, is the need to be myself. With some frustration (patience required here I note) over not being able to ‘do’ anything regards starting my business fully, due to moving to a different area, I realised (not the first time in the past few years) I was trying to ‘do’ more than ‘be’ and perhaps this is where the lesson in patience came in. Patience with myself, to allow myself the opportunity to really see who I am and want to be, rather than rush ahead and start ‘doing’ things that could easily define me. A subject linked very much to our current education system which I feel extremely strongly about as we are all defined by external factors of ‘doing’, as with grades achieved, etc… So, better knowing who I am first and my ‘truths’ before being defined by a role I ‘do’ methinks!

What did I do with this wonderful reflection? Good question. I felt much more in harmony with myself and found that I was happy to allow more ‘flow’ into my life (what does this mean?) and not feel such a great need to be ‘doing’ so much, as this will come when the time is right.

Also, as part of my reflection, I did realise I needed to be careful what I wished for – learnt the hard way recently – another topic, although this experience leads to the point of patience. When stating that I was ready for more challenge in my life – guess what I got? Challenge. In every direction too! So, I give gratitude for that opportunity to learn patience within those circumstances, as I now realise whilst writing this and, gratitude for the time I have now, in contrast to that experience, which has not gone completely unnoticed after all!

However, have I learnt all the patience there is left to learn? No. Why not? ( No groan this time!) As I felt this new sense of peace and realisation about myself, we then had some news regarding our house move which meant a further delay…did I take this in the peaceful state I had been working with myself on? Well…peaceful regarding others, yes – mostly, but peace within…not really – I had half a day of feeling upset about the change of plans, so had to remember the lesson again…patience! Was this about learning patience, or merely practicing the art of patience?

The image sums up for me, in this moment, what patience is about. Although, as I begin to reflect back on my life lessons and patience learnt within each of the different circumstances, I am certain it will mean different things!

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